Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
