Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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