if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
