I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
