You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
