Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
