as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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