maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize