we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
