dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
