I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize