I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize