I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
