I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
