She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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