i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
