It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize