roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
