I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
