drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
