I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize