I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
