Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
