i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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