When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
