If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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