Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
