just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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