I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize