you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
