i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
