found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
