dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
