If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
