dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
