i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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