Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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