Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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