My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
