I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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