The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
