This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
