Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
