what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize