I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
