Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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