I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
