i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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