i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
