Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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