Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize