My sheets look like a crime scene.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
