respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
