yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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