My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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