Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
