help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'm really busy with my period
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