You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
