eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
