Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
