he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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