I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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