dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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