eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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