Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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