You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
