PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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