my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
