When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
