he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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