At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
