Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
